Changes

May 2020? WOW. Time indeed had flew by quicker than I realised. Tik tok tik tok and I am turning 28 this December. Most nations of the world is in some sort of lockdown due to Corona virus. Here I am, from the "comfort" of my home, finally realising that I have not lost the access to this blogspot as I have changed my email address (I made it more adult sounding..lol). 

Do I rant? Or do I address what is going on in my mind? Prattling seems to be my best skill these days. In any event, even before I can start typing here, I need some sort of conceptualising as to where I wanna begin and where I wanna end. Since this is a blog that nobody reads, thank god for that, well, the introvert in me celebrates, while the extrovert in me is chiding me, oh yes, since this is a blog that nobody reads (but might be read by some) my thoughts can be expressed in a civil manner and possibly, in a sensible manner too. Ahrmm..right now..where do I begin.. (some thinking is being done as I sip some nasty tasting green tea)

Well, lets talk about personal growth. First thing first, as a human being it is impossible to be perfect. A little flaw, a little imperfection, a little rough patch and all these are what makes a human, a human. Those people in relationship always seem to say to each other that they are perfect but I have never been in relationship to vouch for this (yes you read that right. This bubbly girl has already turned into a bubble aunty without getting into a relationship). I always tend to think no matter how highly one think of himself (a pronoun in the masculine gender shall be considered as including the feminine gender), there is always room for personal growth. Over these years, I have undergone so much of changes. As a kid, I always heard my fellow classmates (not friends) praising someone for not changing, but it took years to understand what they actually meant. What they meant is how a person never stopped treating them right/being humble although they are soaring high in their lives. It was wrong of me to think that change is wrong. Change is inevitable and constant. It will not cease happening. Most of the time a change will be good but there are also times, a change might not bring any goodness. 

I have gone through tremendous amount of changes to be the person I am now. Being an adult, doing the adult thing has definitely changed the way I look at someone, the way I treat someone and the way I expect to be treated by someone. Yes, I still do have insecurities, I still do have low confidence issues and yes I still have sad social skills but what I always try to do is to improve. I try teach myself that "look Vino..get over with it.. lift yourself..love yourself..don't wait for people". I have become fiercely independent and self sufficient. Occasionally, I do get tired, I do want someone to be there to give me calming words and some warmth. However I don't have that. What is the point of longing for something that I hardly got. Yes loneliness had become a norm in my life and yes it can be frustrating but can I let it to affect my life? Of course not. I can't disappoint myself for such reasons, reasons beyond my control. 

I am glad that I have stopped being too harsh on myself. I used to think I am very ugly (Now I know I am not ugly but not wow looking either. A mediocre. I am very much realistic still). Thanks to the insecurities that came from vitiligo and man...kids are mean.. Hahaha. Thank god I am over it and of course I would not turn down a cure, if there is any. Nowadays, if I feel like painting me face, me paints..me feel lazy..me no paint and go out. If you have a problem with my vitiligo, I am of the honest view that it is your problem at best, not mine at all. On the bright side, thanks to this lockdown, now fitness is my middle name. I have been working out everyday for this past one month. Instead of ranting about parts of my body I am unhappy about, I have decided to act on it. I can't see any changes yet but I feel stronger and I am happy!

On an emotional level, being in this lockdown is not a nice situation. At most, it is rather stressful as everybody tend to have their own emotional battle. I am at home and I realised my ways and my mom's ways are different and this is causing some ruckus here and there. I know it's not worth it to fight or to put up with a fight but I had always wondered why when it is my mom, my patience can be so thin and yes I hate myself for it. There are kids/adults out there with no mum and here I am as ungrateful as ever. I hope I will be a better child and on my real defence, I hope my mom sees sense too. 

Well to conclude things, I can very much state confidently that I am a better person today than I was yesterday, the day before yesterday and years ago this. I listen better, I think before I talk and when I turn silent if I sense I am gonna turn nasty. There are so much more and it will take a whole of this blog to write my gramma story. I also think this blog post can be appropriately named something relating to personal growth as well. On a related note, I do hope that I turn into a better person. As I said, personal growth shall never end no matter how old you are. On this note, I end my post.

Thanks for reading (This is me thanking myself, really) 

Growing every single day..

After all the exams I dreaded about ended, now, I am back to my hometown while waiting for the results. What a journey it has been since I came back after  10 months life-changing stay in abroad. Joined for a work, met lots of new people, joined classes for my Malaysian Bar Examination aka CLP - Certificate in Legal Practise, and now done with the exams. To talk about the stress, it was whole different level. Unexpected but managable as usual. Meeting new people of course have its pros and cons. As I would always say there are only two things to learn about people, one is on how to be and one is how to not/never to be. So the people I met so far, had the mixture of both as you know being human is all about the transition period where you are neither an angel nor a devil.

Breakup with a bff, losing the heart to someone who have no intention on giving his to me, sitting for world's toughest exam, emotional turbulence, and all these in 9 months and I am still alive. WOW. I need a pat on my back. Now, all that I want to do is to binge read books, sleep as much as I want, and focus on making myself fit. TIME FOR MYSELF. For all the sacrificed sleep, silent cries of the heart, crippling loneliness that I am still learning to overcome, I need some ME time.

Growing up, I dont know but it is nothing like what I imagined it will be, isn't it all our complaints huh the 90s babies. The electronic age biting our arses while we are still burdened with the love of the non-electronic era of good time as well. I tend to think too much of communication without having to speak to know the tone, resonance, or without getting to see the demeanour and all are just leading miscommunication.

However, are we even left with a choice to not grow up? Of course no. So we gotta battle and find our way through. To find the light that gonna keep the cave of the heart and soul bright. To love unconditionally, to live happily, and to take care of mother earth.

No matter what happens, life goes on, Raise the WINE GLASS mofos! CHEERS

It's me again!

Hello from the happy VINO!! How much the word hello have gotten famous because of Adele and her soul-hooking song but hey I have been a hello user since I ever know. Anyway thought of updating my sad little blog that nobody reads but sort of functions like a diary..no no..sort of a listener.. So, now I am happily working and sadly being a student. Hahaha! How much life have changed compared to those stressful working days to happy working days and now its the classes that are stressful but even that now is made so much easier. From fearing the boss, I have grown to be fond of him. I have put an end to the unhappy and self-esteem lowering campus life by shifting to the other campus of the same college. Studies are still stressful as it's bulky but surprisingly I don't dread to go to class anymore. Life is going good though the light at the end of my tunnel doesnt seem to be appearing anytime soon but hey its a nice tunnel. So I dont mind for a bit.

I graduated with a huge loan on my back, nevertheless the optimistic side of me is saying that its just matter of time and everything will be settled. Currently working in this office where my boss and my colleagues especially the comel hehe are really nice...well most of the time. My boss reminds me so much of my dad..sort of a fatherly figure I can say. Too bad, I can't let this to prolong because it will hold me forever. I will leave when the time comes. It's gonna be tough but it gonna be worth it. Will miss chatting with the comel but have to move on anyway.

I shifted from KL(the Brickfields) Campus to the Petaling Jaya campus as my sweetiepie boss let me to go to classes on weekdays. How nice of him. I was literally killing myself by attending KL classes as the people, the aura and etc did me no good. I was on the verge of depression when I spoke to my bff about how rejected I feel. Thank god for her. She opened my eyes. I took the chance and shifted for good. One of the wisest decision I made this year, I will say. I am so glad I did it. I feel so much more happier and the best part of all is I can afford to go back home without feeling bad for missing so much classes!

There is so much loans to be paid, so much to do and I got no much means but no worries. I will work out a way. As long as the smile on my momsie and dad's face doesnt fade away....life is super good.

Realization

I am currently in no mood to write about my UK adventure. The only proper reason why I want to write about it is because I want to remember every detail of it without alteration of my memory due to time and emotional changes. Screw it. I will do it another time. Today, what I want to write about is...realization..realization upon how the world revolves..well more to the people to be honest. I am turning 23 soon. I am a Malaysian. All my life I had been in Malaysia grewing up in a small town, except for the last 10 months and a few trips here and there. I could almost definitely say, good things only happen to good looking people. I was diagnosed with vitiligo as early as in my schooling life. Barely 10 years of age, unaware of that white dots on my feet gonna bring any changes in my life, I grew up positively. I bow down to my parents for my life for bringing up me, in a very confident manner. I do not think it is possible to be the way I am without my parents..especially my dad. My mom had always been the worrying one but we (my siblings and I) were brought up equally. My dad is a far thinking man. Okay back to the focus of my topic. Yes. So everything revolves around looks. ALL people care about is looks. ALL they wanna spend is for looks. They wanna make friend with you because you look good. Trust me, I am in my twenties and never once I was proved I am wrong in my thinking.

For an instance, try scrolling down your facebook newsfeed. "16 summer looks", "dramatic eyes", "how to achieve your bikini body goal", "tips for smooth skin", "woman spent .....to look like....". Apart from the political and usual uberfacts and all, all people care about is looks. So, having a major flaw in the skin department, always had been an issue in my life. As much as I hate it, dislike it, deny it, it is part of me. I am still not able to come into terms with my vitiligo. But more than that, I hate, yes I hate, hate is a strong word but I hate when you are so shallow minded and all you could notice in me is my vitiligo. "oh dear you will be so pretty if you dont have this vitiligo". I don't know is it? Do you really have to remind me? You see, this is how I look. If u dont like how I look, honestly its not my problem, its yours. Plus, when you live in Malaysia, I have to say resting bitch face is like a reward. A reward that you should use well. If you have a bokana face, every Meenama, Aminah, Chong Poi will come and suggest you what medicine to use. All are self-claimed doctors. I know you are trying to help and all, but when you yourself do not know what is it and with itty bitty knowledge you have, you come and ask me to apply every silliest thing that could come up in your mind? This reminds me of the 10 peaceful months I had in England. Everybody asked me why do you like England that much? Isn't it expensive? And I told 'em, "I felt accepted for the very first time in my life, apart from family and my bff, people hardly made me feel accepted. Awkward stares, the stories behind you, being known as 'the girl with white spots", No I am not happy with that. People gave zero fucks about how I looked and what I did when I was there. Isn't it the most peaceful form of life?

From September 2014....up to November?

How it started off? I had no financial means to fly to UK, but dad's constant prayers was for me to finish it off asap. Finally, barely a month to deadline, I got the means to fly to UK on 19th September to finish my third year. Preparation took a whole good time of my time and by the time I realised, it was almost the week I am flying off already. Mom was very emotional. A small misunderstanding will make her sad. She was not ready to part from me for one good year (well to be precise 10 months). After preparing all that I need, well I thought I need, 19th September came in a rush. Me being me, my clumsiness was at top notch. I barely slept as I couldn't pack anything at all because my weighing scale was showing overweight for everything until I realised my grave mistake, that is to read the pounds rather than the kg measurement scale. Imagine the sleepless me and packing stuffs barely 10kg and its showing '22kg'. At that time, it was not funny as I was in highly irritable mode and panicky as well. Now to think about my stupidity, I laugh but I reckon it will serve as a good lesson forever in my life.

So, as I was leaving, I had only one proper friend who would wanna go to the same uni as me that's University of Hertfordshire. Let's name her Jit. I do know almost half of my class is going to the same University as well, its just that I had always been discreet, so I didn't look forward to make friends with the brats whom I hardly spoke to in the class. Nevertheless, the other girls who used to be my friend were so busy making their group big, that I got stucked in between. So, this person Jit transformed to someone else different from the person I knew in the class. She got so close to this girl, who had an invisible label of 'BITCH'. Me being me, tried not to bother, but it is not something can be done easily to be honest. So I faced a rough patch. I was so quiet, that it was insane and my mind got louder day by day. I had good days and bad days. A combination. Nevertheless, an experience is always an experience. People teach you two things generally. One is on how to be, second is on how to not be. I learnt the second part the most for the first few weeks.

So, during the first few weeks, we had orientations. My jetlag was so bad that I was the one who was always late to everything. hehe. Events with free food is our favourite one. There were drinks too always. We even went for colour run and all. Our ass froze! Curse the rain!!.Pika, Jit and I went. It was really fun tho. I enjoyed the day.

Then, slowly we started exploring the city we were in. Our first get away was to St. Albans. The nearby city. We went there in a big group. It was really cool. Well, almost all the place in England is very English. Haha. We being Malaysians we were very awestruck. Hatfield is quite a business centre. So there is no sign of Cathedral or anything. Nearby town was St.Albans. There was a beer festival, for which the boys, the Vins were excited. After all they had been partying all days and nights!

Attending orientations..

The cathedral in St. Albans. There was a casket shop right beside it. Talk about business. lol

During the second visit to St.Albans with the crew that stayed together till the end :)

The girls!!

Desi Night! 

So, I stop till here for this first part.Visits to London and more eventful days and nights together with classes for year 3 will be continued in the next post. :)