Changes

May 2020? WOW. Time indeed had flew by quicker than I realised. Tik tok tik tok and I am turning 28 this December. Most nations of the world is in some sort of lockdown due to Corona virus. Here I am, from the "comfort" of my home, finally realising that I have not lost the access to this blogspot as I have changed my email address (I made it more adult sounding..lol). 

Do I rant? Or do I address what is going on in my mind? Prattling seems to be my best skill these days. In any event, even before I can start typing here, I need some sort of conceptualising as to where I wanna begin and where I wanna end. Since this is a blog that nobody reads, thank god for that, well, the introvert in me celebrates, while the extrovert in me is chiding me, oh yes, since this is a blog that nobody reads (but might be read by some) my thoughts can be expressed in a civil manner and possibly, in a sensible manner too. Ahrmm..right now..where do I begin.. (some thinking is being done as I sip some nasty tasting green tea)

Well, lets talk about personal growth. First thing first, as a human being it is impossible to be perfect. A little flaw, a little imperfection, a little rough patch and all these are what makes a human, a human. Those people in relationship always seem to say to each other that they are perfect but I have never been in relationship to vouch for this (yes you read that right. This bubbly girl has already turned into a bubble aunty without getting into a relationship). I always tend to think no matter how highly one think of himself (a pronoun in the masculine gender shall be considered as including the feminine gender), there is always room for personal growth. Over these years, I have undergone so much of changes. As a kid, I always heard my fellow classmates (not friends) praising someone for not changing, but it took years to understand what they actually meant. What they meant is how a person never stopped treating them right/being humble although they are soaring high in their lives. It was wrong of me to think that change is wrong. Change is inevitable and constant. It will not cease happening. Most of the time a change will be good but there are also times, a change might not bring any goodness. 

I have gone through tremendous amount of changes to be the person I am now. Being an adult, doing the adult thing has definitely changed the way I look at someone, the way I treat someone and the way I expect to be treated by someone. Yes, I still do have insecurities, I still do have low confidence issues and yes I still have sad social skills but what I always try to do is to improve. I try teach myself that "look Vino..get over with it.. lift yourself..love yourself..don't wait for people". I have become fiercely independent and self sufficient. Occasionally, I do get tired, I do want someone to be there to give me calming words and some warmth. However I don't have that. What is the point of longing for something that I hardly got. Yes loneliness had become a norm in my life and yes it can be frustrating but can I let it to affect my life? Of course not. I can't disappoint myself for such reasons, reasons beyond my control. 

I am glad that I have stopped being too harsh on myself. I used to think I am very ugly (Now I know I am not ugly but not wow looking either. A mediocre. I am very much realistic still). Thanks to the insecurities that came from vitiligo and man...kids are mean.. Hahaha. Thank god I am over it and of course I would not turn down a cure, if there is any. Nowadays, if I feel like painting me face, me paints..me feel lazy..me no paint and go out. If you have a problem with my vitiligo, I am of the honest view that it is your problem at best, not mine at all. On the bright side, thanks to this lockdown, now fitness is my middle name. I have been working out everyday for this past one month. Instead of ranting about parts of my body I am unhappy about, I have decided to act on it. I can't see any changes yet but I feel stronger and I am happy!

On an emotional level, being in this lockdown is not a nice situation. At most, it is rather stressful as everybody tend to have their own emotional battle. I am at home and I realised my ways and my mom's ways are different and this is causing some ruckus here and there. I know it's not worth it to fight or to put up with a fight but I had always wondered why when it is my mom, my patience can be so thin and yes I hate myself for it. There are kids/adults out there with no mum and here I am as ungrateful as ever. I hope I will be a better child and on my real defence, I hope my mom sees sense too. 

Well to conclude things, I can very much state confidently that I am a better person today than I was yesterday, the day before yesterday and years ago this. I listen better, I think before I talk and when I turn silent if I sense I am gonna turn nasty. There are so much more and it will take a whole of this blog to write my gramma story. I also think this blog post can be appropriately named something relating to personal growth as well. On a related note, I do hope that I turn into a better person. As I said, personal growth shall never end no matter how old you are. On this note, I end my post.

Thanks for reading (This is me thanking myself, really) 

Growing every single day..

After all the exams I dreaded about ended, now, I am back to my hometown while waiting for the results. What a journey it has been since I came back after  10 months life-changing stay in abroad. Joined for a work, met lots of new people, joined classes for my Malaysian Bar Examination aka CLP - Certificate in Legal Practise, and now done with the exams. To talk about the stress, it was whole different level. Unexpected but managable as usual. Meeting new people of course have its pros and cons. As I would always say there are only two things to learn about people, one is on how to be and one is how to not/never to be. So the people I met so far, had the mixture of both as you know being human is all about the transition period where you are neither an angel nor a devil.

Breakup with a bff, losing the heart to someone who have no intention on giving his to me, sitting for world's toughest exam, emotional turbulence, and all these in 9 months and I am still alive. WOW. I need a pat on my back. Now, all that I want to do is to binge read books, sleep as much as I want, and focus on making myself fit. TIME FOR MYSELF. For all the sacrificed sleep, silent cries of the heart, crippling loneliness that I am still learning to overcome, I need some ME time.

Growing up, I dont know but it is nothing like what I imagined it will be, isn't it all our complaints huh the 90s babies. The electronic age biting our arses while we are still burdened with the love of the non-electronic era of good time as well. I tend to think too much of communication without having to speak to know the tone, resonance, or without getting to see the demeanour and all are just leading miscommunication.

However, are we even left with a choice to not grow up? Of course no. So we gotta battle and find our way through. To find the light that gonna keep the cave of the heart and soul bright. To love unconditionally, to live happily, and to take care of mother earth.

No matter what happens, life goes on, Raise the WINE GLASS mofos! CHEERS

It's me again!

Hello from the happy VINO!! How much the word hello have gotten famous because of Adele and her soul-hooking song but hey I have been a hello user since I ever know. Anyway thought of updating my sad little blog that nobody reads but sort of functions like a diary..no no..sort of a listener.. So, now I am happily working and sadly being a student. Hahaha! How much life have changed compared to those stressful working days to happy working days and now its the classes that are stressful but even that now is made so much easier. From fearing the boss, I have grown to be fond of him. I have put an end to the unhappy and self-esteem lowering campus life by shifting to the other campus of the same college. Studies are still stressful as it's bulky but surprisingly I don't dread to go to class anymore. Life is going good though the light at the end of my tunnel doesnt seem to be appearing anytime soon but hey its a nice tunnel. So I dont mind for a bit.

I graduated with a huge loan on my back, nevertheless the optimistic side of me is saying that its just matter of time and everything will be settled. Currently working in this office where my boss and my colleagues especially the comel hehe are really nice...well most of the time. My boss reminds me so much of my dad..sort of a fatherly figure I can say. Too bad, I can't let this to prolong because it will hold me forever. I will leave when the time comes. It's gonna be tough but it gonna be worth it. Will miss chatting with the comel but have to move on anyway.

I shifted from KL(the Brickfields) Campus to the Petaling Jaya campus as my sweetiepie boss let me to go to classes on weekdays. How nice of him. I was literally killing myself by attending KL classes as the people, the aura and etc did me no good. I was on the verge of depression when I spoke to my bff about how rejected I feel. Thank god for her. She opened my eyes. I took the chance and shifted for good. One of the wisest decision I made this year, I will say. I am so glad I did it. I feel so much more happier and the best part of all is I can afford to go back home without feeling bad for missing so much classes!

There is so much loans to be paid, so much to do and I got no much means but no worries. I will work out a way. As long as the smile on my momsie and dad's face doesnt fade away....life is super good.

Realization

I am currently in no mood to write about my UK adventure. The only proper reason why I want to write about it is because I want to remember every detail of it without alteration of my memory due to time and emotional changes. Screw it. I will do it another time. Today, what I want to write about is...realization..realization upon how the world revolves..well more to the people to be honest. I am turning 23 soon. I am a Malaysian. All my life I had been in Malaysia grewing up in a small town, except for the last 10 months and a few trips here and there. I could almost definitely say, good things only happen to good looking people. I was diagnosed with vitiligo as early as in my schooling life. Barely 10 years of age, unaware of that white dots on my feet gonna bring any changes in my life, I grew up positively. I bow down to my parents for my life for bringing up me, in a very confident manner. I do not think it is possible to be the way I am without my parents..especially my dad. My mom had always been the worrying one but we (my siblings and I) were brought up equally. My dad is a far thinking man. Okay back to the focus of my topic. Yes. So everything revolves around looks. ALL people care about is looks. ALL they wanna spend is for looks. They wanna make friend with you because you look good. Trust me, I am in my twenties and never once I was proved I am wrong in my thinking.

For an instance, try scrolling down your facebook newsfeed. "16 summer looks", "dramatic eyes", "how to achieve your bikini body goal", "tips for smooth skin", "woman spent .....to look like....". Apart from the political and usual uberfacts and all, all people care about is looks. So, having a major flaw in the skin department, always had been an issue in my life. As much as I hate it, dislike it, deny it, it is part of me. I am still not able to come into terms with my vitiligo. But more than that, I hate, yes I hate, hate is a strong word but I hate when you are so shallow minded and all you could notice in me is my vitiligo. "oh dear you will be so pretty if you dont have this vitiligo". I don't know is it? Do you really have to remind me? You see, this is how I look. If u dont like how I look, honestly its not my problem, its yours. Plus, when you live in Malaysia, I have to say resting bitch face is like a reward. A reward that you should use well. If you have a bokana face, every Meenama, Aminah, Chong Poi will come and suggest you what medicine to use. All are self-claimed doctors. I know you are trying to help and all, but when you yourself do not know what is it and with itty bitty knowledge you have, you come and ask me to apply every silliest thing that could come up in your mind? This reminds me of the 10 peaceful months I had in England. Everybody asked me why do you like England that much? Isn't it expensive? And I told 'em, "I felt accepted for the very first time in my life, apart from family and my bff, people hardly made me feel accepted. Awkward stares, the stories behind you, being known as 'the girl with white spots", No I am not happy with that. People gave zero fucks about how I looked and what I did when I was there. Isn't it the most peaceful form of life?

From September 2014....up to November?

How it started off? I had no financial means to fly to UK, but dad's constant prayers was for me to finish it off asap. Finally, barely a month to deadline, I got the means to fly to UK on 19th September to finish my third year. Preparation took a whole good time of my time and by the time I realised, it was almost the week I am flying off already. Mom was very emotional. A small misunderstanding will make her sad. She was not ready to part from me for one good year (well to be precise 10 months). After preparing all that I need, well I thought I need, 19th September came in a rush. Me being me, my clumsiness was at top notch. I barely slept as I couldn't pack anything at all because my weighing scale was showing overweight for everything until I realised my grave mistake, that is to read the pounds rather than the kg measurement scale. Imagine the sleepless me and packing stuffs barely 10kg and its showing '22kg'. At that time, it was not funny as I was in highly irritable mode and panicky as well. Now to think about my stupidity, I laugh but I reckon it will serve as a good lesson forever in my life.

So, as I was leaving, I had only one proper friend who would wanna go to the same uni as me that's University of Hertfordshire. Let's name her Jit. I do know almost half of my class is going to the same University as well, its just that I had always been discreet, so I didn't look forward to make friends with the brats whom I hardly spoke to in the class. Nevertheless, the other girls who used to be my friend were so busy making their group big, that I got stucked in between. So, this person Jit transformed to someone else different from the person I knew in the class. She got so close to this girl, who had an invisible label of 'BITCH'. Me being me, tried not to bother, but it is not something can be done easily to be honest. So I faced a rough patch. I was so quiet, that it was insane and my mind got louder day by day. I had good days and bad days. A combination. Nevertheless, an experience is always an experience. People teach you two things generally. One is on how to be, second is on how to not be. I learnt the second part the most for the first few weeks.

So, during the first few weeks, we had orientations. My jetlag was so bad that I was the one who was always late to everything. hehe. Events with free food is our favourite one. There were drinks too always. We even went for colour run and all. Our ass froze! Curse the rain!!.Pika, Jit and I went. It was really fun tho. I enjoyed the day.

Then, slowly we started exploring the city we were in. Our first get away was to St. Albans. The nearby city. We went there in a big group. It was really cool. Well, almost all the place in England is very English. Haha. We being Malaysians we were very awestruck. Hatfield is quite a business centre. So there is no sign of Cathedral or anything. Nearby town was St.Albans. There was a beer festival, for which the boys, the Vins were excited. After all they had been partying all days and nights!

Attending orientations..

The cathedral in St. Albans. There was a casket shop right beside it. Talk about business. lol

During the second visit to St.Albans with the crew that stayed together till the end :)

The girls!!

Desi Night! 

So, I stop till here for this first part.Visits to London and more eventful days and nights together with classes for year 3 will be continued in the next post. :)

Time flies

The constant battle between my heart and head shows how much of a thinker I am. Thinking from all perspective I could think of is what I do everyday. Decision-making is not easy especially when it involves something major. My friend claims I am too much of a complex thinker even for a simple matter. I dont think I am that bad. But yeah I agree I do think a lot. So, in the short stay here I decided the place I am living currently is not for me. Why? Because I didn't like it. I didn't like my roommate who would only speak to me if she feels like speaking, the creaking bed that makes noise every time I move, the non-existent fan, the non-friendly family that renting out the room, and their messy refrigerator and of all the walk I have to do everyday passing a huge 4 lane road. I just didn't like it. But today morning as I walked the usual path, I was greeted good morning by the slightly hunching old woman, with pleasant smile holding her breakfast and newspaper, made me to rethink of my decision. I have grown to like the place. I know I would not have such cute old ladies wishing me good morning at my previous place in Brickfields. I might come across ladies who is in pissed off mode all the time. Anyway, its too late to change my mind either. Going back to the notorious city I lived in. OH and I got internet at that place. Hehehe. Well, all I gotta wish is all is well. Anyway I have not posted anything in detail about my UK experience or the 5 European country I visited. I solemnly swear my next post will be about my 10 adventurous months.

I DRAMA A LOT. Don't read.

So, today, to make my day wonderful, my boss just decided to scold me for what I will say not my mistake. When you are not organised, of course mistakes happen. I am here, newly, with 0 working experience, to learn but here they assume I know whatever they think I would know. I know I am learning, but haish..and they go on like every law firm is like this. Being organised is the key to everything. The PCs here doesn't work the way it supposed to. Can't even set the time then how am I to keep track? By my mind? Wonderful. I was smiling when he scolded, I guess that's my mechanism to not cry or feel down quickly. Haish. A bad day. Oh..I got my first pay today. A supposed to be happy day but turned out the opposite.

Hazy Mind

Sipping my nescafe, sitting in the office trying to help everyone and act busy at the same time to not get caught in their stressful drama, my mind is running wild with so many thoughts. So disturbed I am. By what? By everything? Am I happy? I don't know? Is my work by any chance helping people? IDK. Is this firm being fair, that is to not take unfair cases? IDK. Does the guy who used to call and text me everyday even bother my existence? IDK. Does the guy who I sort of liked even think about me? IDK. No hope in career, no hope in love life but thank god blessed with the best family and bffs. I am at the point in life where I need guidance so much. May be going with the flow is not really the good idea forever. Though I don't anticipate how my life going to be in future, at the same time I don't want to get caught up doing something which I don't really enjoy or passionate about. Passion...yes passion.. I am literally so jealous of people who could point out at one interest and say that's my passion. So what am I passionate about? Being so much of a neutral individual is no good to a certain point. There must be clear choices of what I like and what I don't. Guess there is so much more to explore to come clear with my own-self. Its like being guilty to myself that I have so much of unanswered questions and I have no means of knowing answer to my questions. As if my thoughts are not complicated enough, my soul is yearning to get out of the country and start from level 1. Start what tho? IDK. How do I find a way out? I feel trapped. Work is from 9 to 6. I am coming here at 8.30 as if it's my own office. Then once I go back, I am so tired, I sleep so early. Its so early that even I can't believe that's my sleeping time. I have no time for anything. Is this why I gotten myself a degree? I have no idea. Yes no idea. Confused mind. Trapped soul. Oh yeah..and my never ending dilemma with vitiligo. Life life life...so life for adult is like this? I am disapproving this.

A quick HIIIII!

The wise always say that we will only appreciate something in the absence of it. No truer words would have spoken about my state right now than this. I really miss the 10 months I spent in UK. It was wonderful. Well, this is supposed to be a quick hi to my blog that nobody reads, but that does not mean I don't enjoy pouring out my heart. Hehe. So yea, it have been almost a month since I returned. Memories of UK is still so fresh and haunting. The feeling of wanting to return is immense but I am in no position to return, well financial wise. I made a mistake, should have find someone there, if you know what I mean. LOL! The main reason I want to go back is...hmm..pretty tacky here...well..I feel accepted for the first time. There are no weird stares, no kids pointing out to you, and there are even people who think you look good. Isn't it heaven! Well well and well..now I am in Petaling Jaya, Malaysia, sitting down in a law office, and researching some case with alien terms. My lovely dad found me a job so fast that I had no proper break but its good in a way I guess. Tho, a corner in mind always pop up this question of 'what are we all rushing for? like seriously for what? money?'. So, I have decided to go with the flow of life. Will update more in this weekend. Now I am a working lady you see. I sleep early, wake up early, and trying to be like an adult. But to be honest, idk how to be an adult. Hardest thing ever. The only thing I properly do is to pay adult's price for whatever tickets I am purchasing!

#unrelated but I miss doing nothing :P

I think its about happiness

Its funny to think about how my mind works. If I am sad or feeling like ranting out, that's the only time I will think about blogging. At the end, most of my blog posts are sad! I am a happy person, full of life but all that time I don't think about blogging or sharing my experience. If there is something bugging my head like worries, confusion, care or anything, just name it, I can write about it for pages. So, I decided to share the moments of my life that I felt precious. I was so happy, even to think about it, it draws a smile on my sleep-deprived face. 

The first one cannot be a moment thing. It's my life. I love being with my family. They bring me so much of happiness. My mom's beary hugs, my dad's sense of humor and my sister's cheekiness and last but not the least, my brother, whenever he is back from holidays, his manja fights with us. The liveliness of the family when all of us are around is different level. I am glad my parents decided to have 3 kids, I can't imagine how boring it can be being the only child. Our restaurant is our second home. Life is so colourful at home. Though its pretty much a routine like life, being with the people you love is what matters the most.

So, now lets try to think about some happy moments that happened while I was in UK. Oh well! This is a totally happy news but....I was not there with them to share the happiness. I was away, alone and depressed. he he a bit of exaggeration there, but its okay. My brother finally graduated. Now he's a qualified doctor. I was so happy for him. I almost could feel the lightness in my dad's heart and the happiness flooding my mom. What a feeling it must be to see your hardwork turning out well. I told them to take the family photo only when I am back to sit proudly in our hall. 

OK OK. Let's think about UK. There is no particular day, I was extremely happy. Generally I am a happy person. But to point out to one particular day..hmm I can't seem to find any. I am still single, sad and alone. HAHAHA. I just finished watching fifty shades movie, the most anticipated movie. It was not that bad. The first novel was the least favourite among the trilogy, so its very unlikely for me to love the movie. It is watch-able. All that was running through my mind is. Oh GOD...Its February.. I am getting so old..Am I going to die single. I had become singlophobic. A new word. Well, to be honest, there is no such phobia, its just that I want to know how it feels like to be in love, to have someone for you and you know. I think my prince lost his horse and also his ability to run. So, he is taking a slow walk I assume. :)

Otherwise, life is good. Happy family. Loving bffs. Just if I have extra $$$$, life will be extra good :)

Thoughts..

Posted the last on 2013. MIA for a year. WOW. How did time pass so quickly?
Growing old too quick..and now its 2015. While I still remember ranting about my degree choice, now I am in final year. While sitting in my room, hearing the sound of cold wind, thinking about what a big leap my life took compared to a few months ago, I cant stop but to wonder if life will end even before I realise. I barely can feel the time passing. Its way too fast! Last year at this time, probably I was sitting at my home wasting time or attending class in KL, and today I am wide awake at 5.13am mentally recapping my eventful night at LONDON. Yes, you read that right. I am in LONDON. Yet there is no much excitement as much as even my capital letters show. I am here since September 2014. Miss home yet love the new place. But the little child in me is quite dead due to the 360 degree changes in my life. All this while, I was living in a protected environment, naive heart, matured thoughts, good people, well to simplify it, an angelic world. Coming here i realised how delusional had I been. Practically blind of my surroundings. Reminds me of a popular tamil saying, "everything in white is not milk". Now I am hanging out in a different league of people. I prefer my old companies back in Malaysia, but through this people I learned alt as well. Though all they talk about is having fun and how to get a chick or kiss a guy and etc, it's nice to listen to them talking, its like a glimpse of their thoughts and how their minds work.

In this short period of stay in UK, I have had done things that I never imagined doing. I love being adventurous and to try out new things. So far no regrets. The thoughts of family's love always runs in the mind. Thus, I had not done anything that makes me to regret for life. Drunken mistakes. Tho I am a born-rebel now I am different level rebel. LOL

More to come.

TWINS separated at birth!

I thought of writting about this very special friend of mine, so here I am.. 

She calls me kutty, makes sure i am well-fed always, she thinks i am preety oh well she goes a little too much by saying i look like nazriya (trust me i dont look like her at all).. She is just like my other half who got place in my heart real quick. It is as if i am her twin sister but too bad she is a year elder than me. 

Coming to Brickfields, thinking that my life have gone way too miserable, doubting my every actions if it would backfire me, I was really really a big mess. I got out of the hell in good terms and got myself a place in a ladies hostel. I was so lost but I found immense freedom and I started to learn to be on my own. To be frank,  I was feeling very lost at first. I never even had the time to recover from my previous deep wound and then i am in a notorious city all on my own. And then I got to know there is this one girl from my moral studies class staying in this hostel too. I tagged along with her. She was so nice to me. Being an ordinary human being, during my miserable times i was not in good terms with god, rather than showing him love I always begged him to save me. God being God showed me his love by sending me this angel. An angel to be with me. I felt His love through her's.

Her name is Nivea. As the way her name sounds, yes she is a very pretty girl. Really really pretty but she will never admit. What makes her even more beautiful than everyone else is her personality and character. She is just a year elder than me but, she treats me as if i am her little sister. Its going to be year since  I know her, trust me its so beautiful. Everytime i go back home and story my mom, i will at least mention more than 10 times. We spend most of our time together except for class time. We always have our meals together and spend time in the hostel study room every night. Oh yeah, the night guard hates us. :P.. Well you know.. GIRLS! Non-stop talking and laughing till the wee hours. We have never run out of topic to talk. Silence is only when we are studying but we even have break during that time. 

Its very weird how even our voices sound very much alike in recordings. Not only that, generally we think alike in all the matters. May be thats why we can understand each other so well. There have never been disputes, but there is lots of understanding. I really love her as one of my family, like a sister from another mother. I must be so thankful to GOD for sending me an angel to go through this life even more beautifully and meaningfully. 

Nivea, if you are reading this, let me tell you, although I may fail to express my love in person, deep inside I love you as one of my closest person to heart. I never want to lose you..

I am the tall one and you are the short one..hehehe ;)

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 

~ Elbert Hubbard~

Tired..

I am tired, not physically but emotionally. I am torn so severely. Too much of things raping my mind every now and then. I dont even know where to start..its just a lot. But I know I will manage because thats me. When it comes to LOVE, even the strongest ones go weak. Hey I am not talking about the love where two young people are involved. The Love I am talking about is the elementary ones. The one you yearn from your parents, siblings and friends. I am so glad that I am gifted with loving people around me but then sometimes all this loving people can cause severe pain too because to much of expectation from my side. I am slowly learning to expect less or even better no expectation. I am a favourite of many but I am the least favourite among their favourites. I know this very well. As for me, I am not close with everyone but if I am, I give them the same importance to them as everyone else. And again my family deserves a special position in my heart, higher and above all my friends. Rejection or fear of rejection is nothing new for me. But the pain of going through it still the same. Well, I fought with mom today -_-... I dont want to rant about the other stuffs that going through my mind. Anyways, all will be well...I hope.

STRONG

Having a wide smile, and jovial character helping me very much to stay strong even blow after blows to my heart. Everything started when my earring got lost, correction-stolen. I think the earring was my lucky charm, now everything seems so jinxed. After that unfortunate incident, my beloved baby, Manickam, being my loyal companion for 1 and half year died in the most tragic way. I cant even find words to describe my state. I saw him dying by suffering right in front of my eyes. I was so helpless, all I could was to cry. I called the vet, my dad and everybody but he cant be saved. He was forming bubbles kinda saliva in his mouth excessively, shaked so much that it could be heard so loudly. Finally he died before urinating in his position. All I could do was sit by his side and cry. A fellow, I love so much, died right in front of my eyes and I couldn't do anything. I patted his head and told him "Manickam, akka love you so much". The lights in his eyes faded and then it was gone. This was the first time, a soul is dying in front of me. It was too painful to take. I wonder what kind of human can do this to a poor dog. He cant even be human. A satan in human mask.

He died on 17th July and 18 my results were coming out. I was so confident that I would be able to pass all as I put my efforts all and this is nothing compared to STPM that was much more freaking hard. Little I did think about hypocrites, backstabber, cheaters and greedy people. I assumed wrongly that there will be no unfair situations which I faced a lot during my public exams. Tadaaa! I was wrong. This greedy people of my college failed me in 2 papers which I was very confident about in the mark of 38 (the passing mark is 40) and they increased the resit payment from rm150 to rm350. The beauty in this is they failed 90% of us in at least a subject. Most probably they are sucking money from us to recover from the expenses they spent for the new building I assume. But what they did was very wrong, and the worst part is we cant question them. But then, bitches there is something called karma. I will grab my popcorn, sit back and enjoy the show when it is your turn.

After all these unwanted incidents, I am being normal as it is my only option. Having positive vibes when you lose someone dear to you is not easy, but I am definitely trying. I wonder sometimes, why everything happens to me but then again I console myself that everything happens for a reason. I prayed and asked for guidance and strength to face all these. Hopefully, HE heard me. I am just slightly tired. But I am still strong. I got no choice but to be strong. I am aint a failure or a loser. I will come back stronger and will make you to regret. And now I have to face the book and put pen to the paper and practise myself!

RIP baby darling...

I wonder what happened, that God decided to take you away from me... The pain of losing you is so much... And i had to see you dying.. Thats even excruciating.. I saw the lights in your eyes fading. I couldn't hold my tears. I was helpless. RIP Manickam. Akka will always love you. You will never be forgotten. Everywhere, there are memories of you. My dear, MR. Beautiful Eyes you have an irreplaceable kingdom in my heart. 

TBS- The Best

Recently I attended Tunku Besar Secondary School (TBS) Alumni Dinner with my dad and bro. Yes my dad is an ex-student of TBS as well :) Seriously, never in my wildest dream, I thought, I will miss my school since I spent extra 2 years compared to most of my friends by doing my STPM there. There were so much of changes in the look of the school hall. The originality is gone but nevertheless it is still the school I studied. It is a pride to be a student of TBS. I am glad that I chose the right school.

I would describe my secondary school life in 2 phase. SPM and STPM. In the year of 2005, i registered myself in 1 Bestari, the second class for Form 1. There are a total of 6 classes per form/year. Two of my friends from primary school joined me in the same class as well. They are Karu and Visa. Mind you, they are still my friends. Did I mention that Karu is my friend since kindergarten time? Yes, we were in the same class from kindergarten up to Form 5. There were other students too my from my school but all of them scattered in different classes. My school life was wonderful. What made my entire school life memorable was my friends. It was a sad case that I came out of my primary school group (girls) as the mentality was differing at a worrying level. I found new friends.

My first girlfriend will be Aswini Freda. She is well, hmm of mix ethnicity. Indian-Indonesian parentage. She is short, fair and have super curly hair. As only Aswini and me were Indians in the class, we hang out together. It took time for me to warm up to her but we did get along pretty well although there were little misunderstanding due to interference of some culprits at first. As time passed by, we realised we were made for each other as best friends. She is my pillar of strength, a sister, a mentor and everything. She played an important part in my life and she is still playing it. From form 1 to form 5 I was sitting beside her in the class. She is the reason why I know about Christianity a little more compared to any non-Christians. Yes she is a great friend :)

It will be so funny to see how Karu, Visa and Sharma disturb Aswini and how she will call me to save her. In short, I was her saviour ;) School days were fun except for the lessons and certain teachers. Some teachers were really great. I owe them so much. Like students, teachers are also have different personalities. Its a sad case that some of them are racist as well. Other than that, we have combine classes for Tamil and Moral, we will join with the Arif class and our Indian group gets bigger and noisier. I was not close to most of them, but I was okay with the girls group. So our group got bigger. Aswini, Yasothaa, Balpreet and Kavitha. It was fun. Other than that, I was close to my other classmates like Fazlinda, Fara, Izzatul, Nazmi, Melvin, Juliana and so on. As time goes by, I became friends with many of them.

All the Indian students and most of the Chinese students from my class and Arif class got to enter 4SC1. It was a bliss. We enjoyed our arse off although most of my friends and I were prefects. I served as a prefect for 5 years in TBS that is from form1. The main reason why i applied to be a prefect was, I hated the pinafore so i opted for the white skirt. I was so chubby when I started my high school that I looked like a pumpkin wrapped in pinafore. I thought the prefect uniform will suit me better. My school prefects' uniform is with light green top and white bottom. Trust me, I had the white skirt with most stains :P.. I never bothered much either. I was too carefree during my SPM time, that I didn't fare well enough like most of my friends. The education system in Malaysia is such that, it requires to remember everything and vomit it in exam. So, clearly it didn't do me any favour as I am more to the understanding type of student.

Life was good yet results were not as expected during SPM. Since, I thought I am much more capable than what I got for my results, I decided to prove myself in STPM. So yes, I went for STPM, something that I told myself I will not get myself into. Never I thought, STPM will be so useful in my life. STPM made me more matured. There were no regrets for choosing to go through this. I had new group of friends as my old friends didn't choose STPM except for one boy and he was in different class too. I got close to Aishah. I have talked about her in depth in my previous post. She is a wonderful friend. I would have been so lost without her. During Form 6, i learned about endurance. Studies got tougher and challenging but I love feeding my mind. The school system was more apparent and transparent when I studied form 6. It was a different level. Our curriculum activities were fun as well. Life was so good with Aishah, Hoi Leng, Ee Ping, Rui Xian and so many of them. I am still keeping in touch with my form 6 group. I love them and value their friendship. Sweet memories everywhere. I was always a target of those naughty heads. People love to disturb me I guess.

Thus, overall life was good during STPM. I had many junior friends as well. Throughout my school life regardless of first phase or second, there were always some downfalls and embarrassing experience. There were all kind of things going on. A first exposure to the world outside you see. Thus, from jealous pricks to hypocrites, I have faced everyone. Striving to survive is the important part of it. If you noticed, I had no puppy love stated. That might be the only thing lacking in my school life I guess. But hey, I dont bother. Schooling is an essential part of every individual. I am so glad mine is over but I do miss the fun. Holidays are lonely too...



A cute collage of my friends, I couldn't find one of Hoi Leng's though :(

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school

~Albert Einstein~

S.O.O.N

Yo people it have been decades since i last updated my blog ( bear my exaggerations....its part of me! DRAMA) soon i will come and update my blog which nobody else bothers to read none other than me... I love myself...so i love my posts too! Problem? kill yourself before i find you and kill you!

ASSIGNMENTS

If there is a common nightmare for all the students of tertiary institutions, it will definitely be ASSIGNMENT! For these past 2 weeks i have been submitting assignment every Monday. The thing about Law assignments are they are in essay forms. The essay is 2000 to 3000 words. Trust me, it is not an easy task. To complete an essay, the amount of referring you have to do is really a lot.

Before signing up for this course, all the way I was in Science stream. A sudden deviation to art stream is actually quite different. From a scientific brain I have to programme myself to be artistic, well...creative with words. I chose this course out of my own will. I love it since it didn't require me to crack my head at the starting point itself like those core science subjects. I was very happy till they hand me over four yellow colour papers called assignments. I remember the horror look on my face when I read those titles.

I submitted my Criminal Law and Common Law assignment after so much of complications. Now I am doing my public law assignment. I have no clue or hint on how to get it started but again, I have no choice but to do with what I know and what I think is relevant with the topic. I hope I can manage to touch 2000 words count. After this, I got contract law in waiting list. I got hell of work loads. Result of procrastinations!

After completing each assignments I have an allergic towards books (only textbooks). But again.. I was reading this Fifty shades of grey during this assignment week. I know I am amazing :P

USELESS

I am really feeling shitty about myself. If I analyse myself properly, I am good at nothing. This makes my heart to ache. I always had passion for music, sadly the place where I grow up and still living in have nothing, there are no classes for anything. I have no any special talents other than talking. I may be sharp in many sense but i don't have a specific talent. I am just a singer to my own self. I didn't have chance to do anything when I was young rather than playing with my brother. I can't sing in the proper way that trained people sing, I cant drive, I don't know to play any music instruments, I can't dance, I can't draw nicely. The list of things that I cant do is more than what I can do.I cant even drive, a simple task performed by many due to some not explainable fear :(

Just now, I was talking to my friend and he is all fun and jovial type. The minute I heard him playing sitar, I was just burning in jealousy flame. I never had chance to learn anything! I want to learn now but is it even possible? I don't know. He learnt at the age of 8 and now I am 20. Musical instruments usually will be learnt from young age. OMG :'( I seriously wanna play some instrument but my preference is Sitar. I have a liking for piano too. I am just OLD. Yes OLD. Even if I wanna learn now, money is a big question. I cant depend on my dad. May be Music is only for rich people's kids. Damn...this is so unfair..

A sister from another mother

My bestie, my sister, my mentor, my personal clown and etc etc this is how I would describe the gorgeous lady of mine. I always wanted to write about her but again I thought should do it in orderly form. Today I had the urge to write about her. So I am doing it. I met her today. We had a good chat in Secret Recipe. The food was not digest-able, but its the moment that counts not the food. This is something like a farewell meet-up. I didn't know farewells are painful. I was keep on telling my mom after I come back, "Ma, Aishah gonna go to Egypt". I don't know its just too hard on me knowing that the friend who I love so much wont be around here in Malaysia. 

How our friendship started...hmm..back then when I was in secondary school, I know her but I was not close to her. We meet in tuition classes and will have light chit-chats. It was during my form 6 time, I got really close to her. She is good in Maths so she assisted me to understand it in easier way. We spend most of the time in the school together even we sneak out of the school together. Hahaha! I must be really thankful to God. No matter how playful I am, I always get to know that the few good friends who binds within my heart. Well last time there were a few useless ones too but good thing God made me to realise that they are not meant to be my besties. Ohh ohh I lost track. Lets go back to Aishah story. I got to know that almost the way we think and our tastes are same although there are slight variations which makes our friendship much more interesting. At least there's something to fight and gossip about right.

We are from different religions, never once we argued about our religions. She knows about mine and I know about her. There's a mutual understanding on that. Not only on religion matters but on everything. We respect each others view. The maturity is there. Both of us love so many things. We are real girls which means we love all the shopping sessions, girls day out, cosmetics, gossips, food, drinks, bags, shoes n etc. Most importantly both of us are still not attached. Hahaha. I think I can spend the whole day talking to her without getting tired. I cant recall of any moment when there's nothing to talk.

Coming tuesday, she is leaving to Egypt to continue her studies. I don't know how I am gonna be without her. Its going to be very lonely. I know my family are around but then the companionship I get from her and I get from them differs very much. I know Aswini is around but Aishah is different. Gonna be 2am and I am still awake just thinking about this. I cant be very selfish. That's her path, I must let her go.

Aishah if you ever came across this, I would like to tell you that you are not replaceable at all. You are one of the best things that ever happened to me. I glad I got someone like you for contract for lifetime. (You can't run away from me! Hahaha). I can never afford to lose someone like you. Thank you Aishah. I will be always your wellwisher praying for you for the best. I am preety excited about having a dentist friend too.. Hahaha!! Love you more than I could explain. ♥ 

"Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two souls"

~Aristotle~