I DRAMA A LOT. Don't read.

So, today, to make my day wonderful, my boss just decided to scold me for what I will say not my mistake. When you are not organised, of course mistakes happen. I am here, newly, with 0 working experience, to learn but here they assume I know whatever they think I would know. I know I am learning, but haish..and they go on like every law firm is like this. Being organised is the key to everything. The PCs here doesn't work the way it supposed to. Can't even set the time then how am I to keep track? By my mind? Wonderful. I was smiling when he scolded, I guess that's my mechanism to not cry or feel down quickly. Haish. A bad day. Oh..I got my first pay today. A supposed to be happy day but turned out the opposite.

Hazy Mind

Sipping my nescafe, sitting in the office trying to help everyone and act busy at the same time to not get caught in their stressful drama, my mind is running wild with so many thoughts. So disturbed I am. By what? By everything? Am I happy? I don't know? Is my work by any chance helping people? IDK. Is this firm being fair, that is to not take unfair cases? IDK. Does the guy who used to call and text me everyday even bother my existence? IDK. Does the guy who I sort of liked even think about me? IDK. No hope in career, no hope in love life but thank god blessed with the best family and bffs. I am at the point in life where I need guidance so much. May be going with the flow is not really the good idea forever. Though I don't anticipate how my life going to be in future, at the same time I don't want to get caught up doing something which I don't really enjoy or passionate about. Passion...yes passion.. I am literally so jealous of people who could point out at one interest and say that's my passion. So what am I passionate about? Being so much of a neutral individual is no good to a certain point. There must be clear choices of what I like and what I don't. Guess there is so much more to explore to come clear with my own-self. Its like being guilty to myself that I have so much of unanswered questions and I have no means of knowing answer to my questions. As if my thoughts are not complicated enough, my soul is yearning to get out of the country and start from level 1. Start what tho? IDK. How do I find a way out? I feel trapped. Work is from 9 to 6. I am coming here at 8.30 as if it's my own office. Then once I go back, I am so tired, I sleep so early. Its so early that even I can't believe that's my sleeping time. I have no time for anything. Is this why I gotten myself a degree? I have no idea. Yes no idea. Confused mind. Trapped soul. Oh yeah..and my never ending dilemma with vitiligo. Life life life...so life for adult is like this? I am disapproving this.

A quick HIIIII!

The wise always say that we will only appreciate something in the absence of it. No truer words would have spoken about my state right now than this. I really miss the 10 months I spent in UK. It was wonderful. Well, this is supposed to be a quick hi to my blog that nobody reads, but that does not mean I don't enjoy pouring out my heart. Hehe. So yea, it have been almost a month since I returned. Memories of UK is still so fresh and haunting. The feeling of wanting to return is immense but I am in no position to return, well financial wise. I made a mistake, should have find someone there, if you know what I mean. LOL! The main reason I want to go back is...hmm..pretty tacky here...well..I feel accepted for the first time. There are no weird stares, no kids pointing out to you, and there are even people who think you look good. Isn't it heaven! Well well and well..now I am in Petaling Jaya, Malaysia, sitting down in a law office, and researching some case with alien terms. My lovely dad found me a job so fast that I had no proper break but its good in a way I guess. Tho, a corner in mind always pop up this question of 'what are we all rushing for? like seriously for what? money?'. So, I have decided to go with the flow of life. Will update more in this weekend. Now I am a working lady you see. I sleep early, wake up early, and trying to be like an adult. But to be honest, idk how to be an adult. Hardest thing ever. The only thing I properly do is to pay adult's price for whatever tickets I am purchasing!

#unrelated but I miss doing nothing :P

I think its about happiness

Its funny to think about how my mind works. If I am sad or feeling like ranting out, that's the only time I will think about blogging. At the end, most of my blog posts are sad! I am a happy person, full of life but all that time I don't think about blogging or sharing my experience. If there is something bugging my head like worries, confusion, care or anything, just name it, I can write about it for pages. So, I decided to share the moments of my life that I felt precious. I was so happy, even to think about it, it draws a smile on my sleep-deprived face. 

The first one cannot be a moment thing. It's my life. I love being with my family. They bring me so much of happiness. My mom's beary hugs, my dad's sense of humor and my sister's cheekiness and last but not the least, my brother, whenever he is back from holidays, his manja fights with us. The liveliness of the family when all of us are around is different level. I am glad my parents decided to have 3 kids, I can't imagine how boring it can be being the only child. Our restaurant is our second home. Life is so colourful at home. Though its pretty much a routine like life, being with the people you love is what matters the most.

So, now lets try to think about some happy moments that happened while I was in UK. Oh well! This is a totally happy news but....I was not there with them to share the happiness. I was away, alone and depressed. he he a bit of exaggeration there, but its okay. My brother finally graduated. Now he's a qualified doctor. I was so happy for him. I almost could feel the lightness in my dad's heart and the happiness flooding my mom. What a feeling it must be to see your hardwork turning out well. I told them to take the family photo only when I am back to sit proudly in our hall. 

OK OK. Let's think about UK. There is no particular day, I was extremely happy. Generally I am a happy person. But to point out to one particular day..hmm I can't seem to find any. I am still single, sad and alone. HAHAHA. I just finished watching fifty shades movie, the most anticipated movie. It was not that bad. The first novel was the least favourite among the trilogy, so its very unlikely for me to love the movie. It is watch-able. All that was running through my mind is. Oh GOD...Its February.. I am getting so old..Am I going to die single. I had become singlophobic. A new word. Well, to be honest, there is no such phobia, its just that I want to know how it feels like to be in love, to have someone for you and you know. I think my prince lost his horse and also his ability to run. So, he is taking a slow walk I assume. :)

Otherwise, life is good. Happy family. Loving bffs. Just if I have extra $$$$, life will be extra good :)

Thoughts..

Posted the last on 2013. MIA for a year. WOW. How did time pass so quickly?
Growing old too quick..and now its 2015. While I still remember ranting about my degree choice, now I am in final year. While sitting in my room, hearing the sound of cold wind, thinking about what a big leap my life took compared to a few months ago, I cant stop but to wonder if life will end even before I realise. I barely can feel the time passing. Its way too fast! Last year at this time, probably I was sitting at my home wasting time or attending class in KL, and today I am wide awake at 5.13am mentally recapping my eventful night at LONDON. Yes, you read that right. I am in LONDON. Yet there is no much excitement as much as even my capital letters show. I am here since September 2014. Miss home yet love the new place. But the little child in me is quite dead due to the 360 degree changes in my life. All this while, I was living in a protected environment, naive heart, matured thoughts, good people, well to simplify it, an angelic world. Coming here i realised how delusional had I been. Practically blind of my surroundings. Reminds me of a popular tamil saying, "everything in white is not milk". Now I am hanging out in a different league of people. I prefer my old companies back in Malaysia, but through this people I learned alt as well. Though all they talk about is having fun and how to get a chick or kiss a guy and etc, it's nice to listen to them talking, its like a glimpse of their thoughts and how their minds work.

In this short period of stay in UK, I have had done things that I never imagined doing. I love being adventurous and to try out new things. So far no regrets. The thoughts of family's love always runs in the mind. Thus, I had not done anything that makes me to regret for life. Drunken mistakes. Tho I am a born-rebel now I am different level rebel. LOL

More to come.