Realization

I am currently in no mood to write about my UK adventure. The only proper reason why I want to write about it is because I want to remember every detail of it without alteration of my memory due to time and emotional changes. Screw it. I will do it another time. Today, what I want to write about is...realization..realization upon how the world revolves..well more to the people to be honest. I am turning 23 soon. I am a Malaysian. All my life I had been in Malaysia grewing up in a small town, except for the last 10 months and a few trips here and there. I could almost definitely say, good things only happen to good looking people. I was diagnosed with vitiligo as early as in my schooling life. Barely 10 years of age, unaware of that white dots on my feet gonna bring any changes in my life, I grew up positively. I bow down to my parents for my life for bringing up me, in a very confident manner. I do not think it is possible to be the way I am without my parents..especially my dad. My mom had always been the worrying one but we (my siblings and I) were brought up equally. My dad is a far thinking man. Okay back to the focus of my topic. Yes. So everything revolves around looks. ALL people care about is looks. ALL they wanna spend is for looks. They wanna make friend with you because you look good. Trust me, I am in my twenties and never once I was proved I am wrong in my thinking.

For an instance, try scrolling down your facebook newsfeed. "16 summer looks", "dramatic eyes", "how to achieve your bikini body goal", "tips for smooth skin", "woman spent .....to look like....". Apart from the political and usual uberfacts and all, all people care about is looks. So, having a major flaw in the skin department, always had been an issue in my life. As much as I hate it, dislike it, deny it, it is part of me. I am still not able to come into terms with my vitiligo. But more than that, I hate, yes I hate, hate is a strong word but I hate when you are so shallow minded and all you could notice in me is my vitiligo. "oh dear you will be so pretty if you dont have this vitiligo". I don't know is it? Do you really have to remind me? You see, this is how I look. If u dont like how I look, honestly its not my problem, its yours. Plus, when you live in Malaysia, I have to say resting bitch face is like a reward. A reward that you should use well. If you have a bokana face, every Meenama, Aminah, Chong Poi will come and suggest you what medicine to use. All are self-claimed doctors. I know you are trying to help and all, but when you yourself do not know what is it and with itty bitty knowledge you have, you come and ask me to apply every silliest thing that could come up in your mind? This reminds me of the 10 peaceful months I had in England. Everybody asked me why do you like England that much? Isn't it expensive? And I told 'em, "I felt accepted for the very first time in my life, apart from family and my bff, people hardly made me feel accepted. Awkward stares, the stories behind you, being known as 'the girl with white spots", No I am not happy with that. People gave zero fucks about how I looked and what I did when I was there. Isn't it the most peaceful form of life?

From September 2014....up to November?

How it started off? I had no financial means to fly to UK, but dad's constant prayers was for me to finish it off asap. Finally, barely a month to deadline, I got the means to fly to UK on 19th September to finish my third year. Preparation took a whole good time of my time and by the time I realised, it was almost the week I am flying off already. Mom was very emotional. A small misunderstanding will make her sad. She was not ready to part from me for one good year (well to be precise 10 months). After preparing all that I need, well I thought I need, 19th September came in a rush. Me being me, my clumsiness was at top notch. I barely slept as I couldn't pack anything at all because my weighing scale was showing overweight for everything until I realised my grave mistake, that is to read the pounds rather than the kg measurement scale. Imagine the sleepless me and packing stuffs barely 10kg and its showing '22kg'. At that time, it was not funny as I was in highly irritable mode and panicky as well. Now to think about my stupidity, I laugh but I reckon it will serve as a good lesson forever in my life.

So, as I was leaving, I had only one proper friend who would wanna go to the same uni as me that's University of Hertfordshire. Let's name her Jit. I do know almost half of my class is going to the same University as well, its just that I had always been discreet, so I didn't look forward to make friends with the brats whom I hardly spoke to in the class. Nevertheless, the other girls who used to be my friend were so busy making their group big, that I got stucked in between. So, this person Jit transformed to someone else different from the person I knew in the class. She got so close to this girl, who had an invisible label of 'BITCH'. Me being me, tried not to bother, but it is not something can be done easily to be honest. So I faced a rough patch. I was so quiet, that it was insane and my mind got louder day by day. I had good days and bad days. A combination. Nevertheless, an experience is always an experience. People teach you two things generally. One is on how to be, second is on how to not be. I learnt the second part the most for the first few weeks.

So, during the first few weeks, we had orientations. My jetlag was so bad that I was the one who was always late to everything. hehe. Events with free food is our favourite one. There were drinks too always. We even went for colour run and all. Our ass froze! Curse the rain!!.Pika, Jit and I went. It was really fun tho. I enjoyed the day.

Then, slowly we started exploring the city we were in. Our first get away was to St. Albans. The nearby city. We went there in a big group. It was really cool. Well, almost all the place in England is very English. Haha. We being Malaysians we were very awestruck. Hatfield is quite a business centre. So there is no sign of Cathedral or anything. Nearby town was St.Albans. There was a beer festival, for which the boys, the Vins were excited. After all they had been partying all days and nights!

Attending orientations..

The cathedral in St. Albans. There was a casket shop right beside it. Talk about business. lol

During the second visit to St.Albans with the crew that stayed together till the end :)

The girls!!

Desi Night! 

So, I stop till here for this first part.Visits to London and more eventful days and nights together with classes for year 3 will be continued in the next post. :)

Time flies

The constant battle between my heart and head shows how much of a thinker I am. Thinking from all perspective I could think of is what I do everyday. Decision-making is not easy especially when it involves something major. My friend claims I am too much of a complex thinker even for a simple matter. I dont think I am that bad. But yeah I agree I do think a lot. So, in the short stay here I decided the place I am living currently is not for me. Why? Because I didn't like it. I didn't like my roommate who would only speak to me if she feels like speaking, the creaking bed that makes noise every time I move, the non-existent fan, the non-friendly family that renting out the room, and their messy refrigerator and of all the walk I have to do everyday passing a huge 4 lane road. I just didn't like it. But today morning as I walked the usual path, I was greeted good morning by the slightly hunching old woman, with pleasant smile holding her breakfast and newspaper, made me to rethink of my decision. I have grown to like the place. I know I would not have such cute old ladies wishing me good morning at my previous place in Brickfields. I might come across ladies who is in pissed off mode all the time. Anyway, its too late to change my mind either. Going back to the notorious city I lived in. OH and I got internet at that place. Hehehe. Well, all I gotta wish is all is well. Anyway I have not posted anything in detail about my UK experience or the 5 European country I visited. I solemnly swear my next post will be about my 10 adventurous months.

I DRAMA A LOT. Don't read.

So, today, to make my day wonderful, my boss just decided to scold me for what I will say not my mistake. When you are not organised, of course mistakes happen. I am here, newly, with 0 working experience, to learn but here they assume I know whatever they think I would know. I know I am learning, but haish..and they go on like every law firm is like this. Being organised is the key to everything. The PCs here doesn't work the way it supposed to. Can't even set the time then how am I to keep track? By my mind? Wonderful. I was smiling when he scolded, I guess that's my mechanism to not cry or feel down quickly. Haish. A bad day. Oh..I got my first pay today. A supposed to be happy day but turned out the opposite.

Hazy Mind

Sipping my nescafe, sitting in the office trying to help everyone and act busy at the same time to not get caught in their stressful drama, my mind is running wild with so many thoughts. So disturbed I am. By what? By everything? Am I happy? I don't know? Is my work by any chance helping people? IDK. Is this firm being fair, that is to not take unfair cases? IDK. Does the guy who used to call and text me everyday even bother my existence? IDK. Does the guy who I sort of liked even think about me? IDK. No hope in career, no hope in love life but thank god blessed with the best family and bffs. I am at the point in life where I need guidance so much. May be going with the flow is not really the good idea forever. Though I don't anticipate how my life going to be in future, at the same time I don't want to get caught up doing something which I don't really enjoy or passionate about. Passion...yes passion.. I am literally so jealous of people who could point out at one interest and say that's my passion. So what am I passionate about? Being so much of a neutral individual is no good to a certain point. There must be clear choices of what I like and what I don't. Guess there is so much more to explore to come clear with my own-self. Its like being guilty to myself that I have so much of unanswered questions and I have no means of knowing answer to my questions. As if my thoughts are not complicated enough, my soul is yearning to get out of the country and start from level 1. Start what tho? IDK. How do I find a way out? I feel trapped. Work is from 9 to 6. I am coming here at 8.30 as if it's my own office. Then once I go back, I am so tired, I sleep so early. Its so early that even I can't believe that's my sleeping time. I have no time for anything. Is this why I gotten myself a degree? I have no idea. Yes no idea. Confused mind. Trapped soul. Oh yeah..and my never ending dilemma with vitiligo. Life life life...so life for adult is like this? I am disapproving this.