It's me again!

Hello from the happy VINO!! How much the word hello have gotten famous because of Adele and her soul-hooking song but hey I have been a hello user since I ever know. Anyway thought of updating my sad little blog that nobody reads but sort of functions like a diary..no no..sort of a listener.. So, now I am happily working and sadly being a student. Hahaha! How much life have changed compared to those stressful working days to happy working days and now its the classes that are stressful but even that now is made so much easier. From fearing the boss, I have grown to be fond of him. I have put an end to the unhappy and self-esteem lowering campus life by shifting to the other campus of the same college. Studies are still stressful as it's bulky but surprisingly I don't dread to go to class anymore. Life is going good though the light at the end of my tunnel doesnt seem to be appearing anytime soon but hey its a nice tunnel. So I dont mind for a bit.

I graduated with a huge loan on my back, nevertheless the optimistic side of me is saying that its just matter of time and everything will be settled. Currently working in this office where my boss and my colleagues especially the comel hehe are really nice...well most of the time. My boss reminds me so much of my dad..sort of a fatherly figure I can say. Too bad, I can't let this to prolong because it will hold me forever. I will leave when the time comes. It's gonna be tough but it gonna be worth it. Will miss chatting with the comel but have to move on anyway.

I shifted from KL(the Brickfields) Campus to the Petaling Jaya campus as my sweetiepie boss let me to go to classes on weekdays. How nice of him. I was literally killing myself by attending KL classes as the people, the aura and etc did me no good. I was on the verge of depression when I spoke to my bff about how rejected I feel. Thank god for her. She opened my eyes. I took the chance and shifted for good. One of the wisest decision I made this year, I will say. I am so glad I did it. I feel so much more happier and the best part of all is I can afford to go back home without feeling bad for missing so much classes!

There is so much loans to be paid, so much to do and I got no much means but no worries. I will work out a way. As long as the smile on my momsie and dad's face doesnt fade away....life is super good.

Realization

I am currently in no mood to write about my UK adventure. The only proper reason why I want to write about it is because I want to remember every detail of it without alteration of my memory due to time and emotional changes. Screw it. I will do it another time. Today, what I want to write about is...realization..realization upon how the world revolves..well more to the people to be honest. I am turning 23 soon. I am a Malaysian. All my life I had been in Malaysia grewing up in a small town, except for the last 10 months and a few trips here and there. I could almost definitely say, good things only happen to good looking people. I was diagnosed with vitiligo as early as in my schooling life. Barely 10 years of age, unaware of that white dots on my feet gonna bring any changes in my life, I grew up positively. I bow down to my parents for my life for bringing up me, in a very confident manner. I do not think it is possible to be the way I am without my parents..especially my dad. My mom had always been the worrying one but we (my siblings and I) were brought up equally. My dad is a far thinking man. Okay back to the focus of my topic. Yes. So everything revolves around looks. ALL people care about is looks. ALL they wanna spend is for looks. They wanna make friend with you because you look good. Trust me, I am in my twenties and never once I was proved I am wrong in my thinking.

For an instance, try scrolling down your facebook newsfeed. "16 summer looks", "dramatic eyes", "how to achieve your bikini body goal", "tips for smooth skin", "woman spent .....to look like....". Apart from the political and usual uberfacts and all, all people care about is looks. So, having a major flaw in the skin department, always had been an issue in my life. As much as I hate it, dislike it, deny it, it is part of me. I am still not able to come into terms with my vitiligo. But more than that, I hate, yes I hate, hate is a strong word but I hate when you are so shallow minded and all you could notice in me is my vitiligo. "oh dear you will be so pretty if you dont have this vitiligo". I don't know is it? Do you really have to remind me? You see, this is how I look. If u dont like how I look, honestly its not my problem, its yours. Plus, when you live in Malaysia, I have to say resting bitch face is like a reward. A reward that you should use well. If you have a bokana face, every Meenama, Aminah, Chong Poi will come and suggest you what medicine to use. All are self-claimed doctors. I know you are trying to help and all, but when you yourself do not know what is it and with itty bitty knowledge you have, you come and ask me to apply every silliest thing that could come up in your mind? This reminds me of the 10 peaceful months I had in England. Everybody asked me why do you like England that much? Isn't it expensive? And I told 'em, "I felt accepted for the very first time in my life, apart from family and my bff, people hardly made me feel accepted. Awkward stares, the stories behind you, being known as 'the girl with white spots", No I am not happy with that. People gave zero fucks about how I looked and what I did when I was there. Isn't it the most peaceful form of life?

From September 2014....up to November?

How it started off? I had no financial means to fly to UK, but dad's constant prayers was for me to finish it off asap. Finally, barely a month to deadline, I got the means to fly to UK on 19th September to finish my third year. Preparation took a whole good time of my time and by the time I realised, it was almost the week I am flying off already. Mom was very emotional. A small misunderstanding will make her sad. She was not ready to part from me for one good year (well to be precise 10 months). After preparing all that I need, well I thought I need, 19th September came in a rush. Me being me, my clumsiness was at top notch. I barely slept as I couldn't pack anything at all because my weighing scale was showing overweight for everything until I realised my grave mistake, that is to read the pounds rather than the kg measurement scale. Imagine the sleepless me and packing stuffs barely 10kg and its showing '22kg'. At that time, it was not funny as I was in highly irritable mode and panicky as well. Now to think about my stupidity, I laugh but I reckon it will serve as a good lesson forever in my life.

So, as I was leaving, I had only one proper friend who would wanna go to the same uni as me that's University of Hertfordshire. Let's name her Jit. I do know almost half of my class is going to the same University as well, its just that I had always been discreet, so I didn't look forward to make friends with the brats whom I hardly spoke to in the class. Nevertheless, the other girls who used to be my friend were so busy making their group big, that I got stucked in between. So, this person Jit transformed to someone else different from the person I knew in the class. She got so close to this girl, who had an invisible label of 'BITCH'. Me being me, tried not to bother, but it is not something can be done easily to be honest. So I faced a rough patch. I was so quiet, that it was insane and my mind got louder day by day. I had good days and bad days. A combination. Nevertheless, an experience is always an experience. People teach you two things generally. One is on how to be, second is on how to not be. I learnt the second part the most for the first few weeks.

So, during the first few weeks, we had orientations. My jetlag was so bad that I was the one who was always late to everything. hehe. Events with free food is our favourite one. There were drinks too always. We even went for colour run and all. Our ass froze! Curse the rain!!.Pika, Jit and I went. It was really fun tho. I enjoyed the day.

Then, slowly we started exploring the city we were in. Our first get away was to St. Albans. The nearby city. We went there in a big group. It was really cool. Well, almost all the place in England is very English. Haha. We being Malaysians we were very awestruck. Hatfield is quite a business centre. So there is no sign of Cathedral or anything. Nearby town was St.Albans. There was a beer festival, for which the boys, the Vins were excited. After all they had been partying all days and nights!

Attending orientations..

The cathedral in St. Albans. There was a casket shop right beside it. Talk about business. lol

During the second visit to St.Albans with the crew that stayed together till the end :)

The girls!!

Desi Night! 

So, I stop till here for this first part.Visits to London and more eventful days and nights together with classes for year 3 will be continued in the next post. :)

Time flies

The constant battle between my heart and head shows how much of a thinker I am. Thinking from all perspective I could think of is what I do everyday. Decision-making is not easy especially when it involves something major. My friend claims I am too much of a complex thinker even for a simple matter. I dont think I am that bad. But yeah I agree I do think a lot. So, in the short stay here I decided the place I am living currently is not for me. Why? Because I didn't like it. I didn't like my roommate who would only speak to me if she feels like speaking, the creaking bed that makes noise every time I move, the non-existent fan, the non-friendly family that renting out the room, and their messy refrigerator and of all the walk I have to do everyday passing a huge 4 lane road. I just didn't like it. But today morning as I walked the usual path, I was greeted good morning by the slightly hunching old woman, with pleasant smile holding her breakfast and newspaper, made me to rethink of my decision. I have grown to like the place. I know I would not have such cute old ladies wishing me good morning at my previous place in Brickfields. I might come across ladies who is in pissed off mode all the time. Anyway, its too late to change my mind either. Going back to the notorious city I lived in. OH and I got internet at that place. Hehehe. Well, all I gotta wish is all is well. Anyway I have not posted anything in detail about my UK experience or the 5 European country I visited. I solemnly swear my next post will be about my 10 adventurous months.

I DRAMA A LOT. Don't read.

So, today, to make my day wonderful, my boss just decided to scold me for what I will say not my mistake. When you are not organised, of course mistakes happen. I am here, newly, with 0 working experience, to learn but here they assume I know whatever they think I would know. I know I am learning, but haish..and they go on like every law firm is like this. Being organised is the key to everything. The PCs here doesn't work the way it supposed to. Can't even set the time then how am I to keep track? By my mind? Wonderful. I was smiling when he scolded, I guess that's my mechanism to not cry or feel down quickly. Haish. A bad day. Oh..I got my first pay today. A supposed to be happy day but turned out the opposite.

Hazy Mind

Sipping my nescafe, sitting in the office trying to help everyone and act busy at the same time to not get caught in their stressful drama, my mind is running wild with so many thoughts. So disturbed I am. By what? By everything? Am I happy? I don't know? Is my work by any chance helping people? IDK. Is this firm being fair, that is to not take unfair cases? IDK. Does the guy who used to call and text me everyday even bother my existence? IDK. Does the guy who I sort of liked even think about me? IDK. No hope in career, no hope in love life but thank god blessed with the best family and bffs. I am at the point in life where I need guidance so much. May be going with the flow is not really the good idea forever. Though I don't anticipate how my life going to be in future, at the same time I don't want to get caught up doing something which I don't really enjoy or passionate about. Passion...yes passion.. I am literally so jealous of people who could point out at one interest and say that's my passion. So what am I passionate about? Being so much of a neutral individual is no good to a certain point. There must be clear choices of what I like and what I don't. Guess there is so much more to explore to come clear with my own-self. Its like being guilty to myself that I have so much of unanswered questions and I have no means of knowing answer to my questions. As if my thoughts are not complicated enough, my soul is yearning to get out of the country and start from level 1. Start what tho? IDK. How do I find a way out? I feel trapped. Work is from 9 to 6. I am coming here at 8.30 as if it's my own office. Then once I go back, I am so tired, I sleep so early. Its so early that even I can't believe that's my sleeping time. I have no time for anything. Is this why I gotten myself a degree? I have no idea. Yes no idea. Confused mind. Trapped soul. Oh yeah..and my never ending dilemma with vitiligo. Life life life...so life for adult is like this? I am disapproving this.

A quick HIIIII!

The wise always say that we will only appreciate something in the absence of it. No truer words would have spoken about my state right now than this. I really miss the 10 months I spent in UK. It was wonderful. Well, this is supposed to be a quick hi to my blog that nobody reads, but that does not mean I don't enjoy pouring out my heart. Hehe. So yea, it have been almost a month since I returned. Memories of UK is still so fresh and haunting. The feeling of wanting to return is immense but I am in no position to return, well financial wise. I made a mistake, should have find someone there, if you know what I mean. LOL! The main reason I want to go back is...hmm..pretty tacky here...well..I feel accepted for the first time. There are no weird stares, no kids pointing out to you, and there are even people who think you look good. Isn't it heaven! Well well and well..now I am in Petaling Jaya, Malaysia, sitting down in a law office, and researching some case with alien terms. My lovely dad found me a job so fast that I had no proper break but its good in a way I guess. Tho, a corner in mind always pop up this question of 'what are we all rushing for? like seriously for what? money?'. So, I have decided to go with the flow of life. Will update more in this weekend. Now I am a working lady you see. I sleep early, wake up early, and trying to be like an adult. But to be honest, idk how to be an adult. Hardest thing ever. The only thing I properly do is to pay adult's price for whatever tickets I am purchasing!

#unrelated but I miss doing nothing :P

I think its about happiness

Its funny to think about how my mind works. If I am sad or feeling like ranting out, that's the only time I will think about blogging. At the end, most of my blog posts are sad! I am a happy person, full of life but all that time I don't think about blogging or sharing my experience. If there is something bugging my head like worries, confusion, care or anything, just name it, I can write about it for pages. So, I decided to share the moments of my life that I felt precious. I was so happy, even to think about it, it draws a smile on my sleep-deprived face. 

The first one cannot be a moment thing. It's my life. I love being with my family. They bring me so much of happiness. My mom's beary hugs, my dad's sense of humor and my sister's cheekiness and last but not the least, my brother, whenever he is back from holidays, his manja fights with us. The liveliness of the family when all of us are around is different level. I am glad my parents decided to have 3 kids, I can't imagine how boring it can be being the only child. Our restaurant is our second home. Life is so colourful at home. Though its pretty much a routine like life, being with the people you love is what matters the most.

So, now lets try to think about some happy moments that happened while I was in UK. Oh well! This is a totally happy news but....I was not there with them to share the happiness. I was away, alone and depressed. he he a bit of exaggeration there, but its okay. My brother finally graduated. Now he's a qualified doctor. I was so happy for him. I almost could feel the lightness in my dad's heart and the happiness flooding my mom. What a feeling it must be to see your hardwork turning out well. I told them to take the family photo only when I am back to sit proudly in our hall. 

OK OK. Let's think about UK. There is no particular day, I was extremely happy. Generally I am a happy person. But to point out to one particular day..hmm I can't seem to find any. I am still single, sad and alone. HAHAHA. I just finished watching fifty shades movie, the most anticipated movie. It was not that bad. The first novel was the least favourite among the trilogy, so its very unlikely for me to love the movie. It is watch-able. All that was running through my mind is. Oh GOD...Its February.. I am getting so old..Am I going to die single. I had become singlophobic. A new word. Well, to be honest, there is no such phobia, its just that I want to know how it feels like to be in love, to have someone for you and you know. I think my prince lost his horse and also his ability to run. So, he is taking a slow walk I assume. :)

Otherwise, life is good. Happy family. Loving bffs. Just if I have extra $$$$, life will be extra good :)

Thoughts..

Posted the last on 2013. MIA for a year. WOW. How did time pass so quickly?
Growing old too quick..and now its 2015. While I still remember ranting about my degree choice, now I am in final year. While sitting in my room, hearing the sound of cold wind, thinking about what a big leap my life took compared to a few months ago, I cant stop but to wonder if life will end even before I realise. I barely can feel the time passing. Its way too fast! Last year at this time, probably I was sitting at my home wasting time or attending class in KL, and today I am wide awake at 5.13am mentally recapping my eventful night at LONDON. Yes, you read that right. I am in LONDON. Yet there is no much excitement as much as even my capital letters show. I am here since September 2014. Miss home yet love the new place. But the little child in me is quite dead due to the 360 degree changes in my life. All this while, I was living in a protected environment, naive heart, matured thoughts, good people, well to simplify it, an angelic world. Coming here i realised how delusional had I been. Practically blind of my surroundings. Reminds me of a popular tamil saying, "everything in white is not milk". Now I am hanging out in a different league of people. I prefer my old companies back in Malaysia, but through this people I learned alt as well. Though all they talk about is having fun and how to get a chick or kiss a guy and etc, it's nice to listen to them talking, its like a glimpse of their thoughts and how their minds work.

In this short period of stay in UK, I have had done things that I never imagined doing. I love being adventurous and to try out new things. So far no regrets. The thoughts of family's love always runs in the mind. Thus, I had not done anything that makes me to regret for life. Drunken mistakes. Tho I am a born-rebel now I am different level rebel. LOL

More to come.