Do I rant? Or do I address what is going on in my mind? Prattling seems to be my best skill these days. In any event, even before I can start typing here, I need some sort of conceptualising as to where I wanna begin and where I wanna end. Since this is a blog that nobody reads, thank god for that, well, the introvert in me celebrates, while the extrovert in me is chiding me, oh yes, since this is a blog that nobody reads (but might be read by some) my thoughts can be expressed in a civil manner and possibly, in a sensible manner too. Ahrmm..right now..where do I begin.. (some thinking is being done as I sip some nasty tasting green tea)
Well, lets talk about personal growth. First thing first, as a human being it is impossible to be perfect. A little flaw, a little imperfection, a little rough patch and all these are what makes a human, a human. Those people in relationship always seem to say to each other that they are perfect but I have never been in relationship to vouch for this (yes you read that right. This bubbly girl has already turned into a bubble aunty without getting into a relationship). I always tend to think no matter how highly one think of himself (a pronoun in the masculine gender shall be considered as including the feminine gender), there is always room for personal growth. Over these years, I have undergone so much of changes. As a kid, I always heard my fellow classmates (not friends) praising someone for not changing, but it took years to understand what they actually meant. What they meant is how a person never stopped treating them right/being humble although they are soaring high in their lives. It was wrong of me to think that change is wrong. Change is inevitable and constant. It will not cease happening. Most of the time a change will be good but there are also times, a change might not bring any goodness.
I have gone through tremendous amount of changes to be the person I am now. Being an adult, doing the adult thing has definitely changed the way I look at someone, the way I treat someone and the way I expect to be treated by someone. Yes, I still do have insecurities, I still do have low confidence issues and yes I still have sad social skills but what I always try to do is to improve. I try teach myself that "look Vino..get over with it.. lift yourself..love yourself..don't wait for people". I have become fiercely independent and self sufficient. Occasionally, I do get tired, I do want someone to be there to give me calming words and some warmth. However I don't have that. What is the point of longing for something that I hardly got. Yes loneliness had become a norm in my life and yes it can be frustrating but can I let it to affect my life? Of course not. I can't disappoint myself for such reasons, reasons beyond my control.
I am glad that I have stopped being too harsh on myself. I used to think I am very ugly (Now I know I am not ugly but not wow looking either. A mediocre. I am very much realistic still). Thanks to the insecurities that came from vitiligo and man...kids are mean.. Hahaha. Thank god I am over it and of course I would not turn down a cure, if there is any. Nowadays, if I feel like painting me face, me paints..me feel lazy..me no paint and go out. If you have a problem with my vitiligo, I am of the honest view that it is your problem at best, not mine at all. On the bright side, thanks to this lockdown, now fitness is my middle name. I have been working out everyday for this past one month. Instead of ranting about parts of my body I am unhappy about, I have decided to act on it. I can't see any changes yet but I feel stronger and I am happy!
On an emotional level, being in this lockdown is not a nice situation. At most, it is rather stressful as everybody tend to have their own emotional battle. I am at home and I realised my ways and my mom's ways are different and this is causing some ruckus here and there. I know it's not worth it to fight or to put up with a fight but I had always wondered why when it is my mom, my patience can be so thin and yes I hate myself for it. There are kids/adults out there with no mum and here I am as ungrateful as ever. I hope I will be a better child and on my real defence, I hope my mom sees sense too.
Well to conclude things, I can very much state confidently that I am a better person today than I was yesterday, the day before yesterday and years ago this. I listen better, I think before I talk and when I turn silent if I sense I am gonna turn nasty. There are so much more and it will take a whole of this blog to write my gramma story. I also think this blog post can be appropriately named something relating to personal growth as well. On a related note, I do hope that I turn into a better person. As I said, personal growth shall never end no matter how old you are. On this note, I end my post.
Thanks for reading (This is me thanking myself, really)
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